Taux pas

Every once in a while a style crosses my path that I wish I could muster the distaste for, only to slowly admit that contrary to my guttural disposition, I kind of like. The simpler Louboutins come to mind, even if I do always refer to them in my head as “La Baffoons”. I’m not sure about the other urban outposts in this country, but down here in Los Angeles, “Bitches be crazy for these shoes”. A short stroll in Santa Monica will highlight the fact nicely. Like anything, some pull them off, some don’t. Hiking your heels five inches off the ground is dangerous business – with many casualties. But when it works, it works.

Though, I don’t think I’m alone here when I say that I’m not that crazy about feet. I also know that my distaste for feet is minimal compared to many who can barely look at a bare pair of gnarly toe-holders. So I don’t understand what the obsession is with open-toed shoes as there is nothing that makes me a little gaggy like seeing a set of ugly toes strangling themselves through that little hole like rioting British soccer fans against a crack in the chain-link fence.

I mean, I get where it comes from. Some people can also pull that off, super models and Penelope Cruz – in the above picture – come to mind. But as is so often the case with fashion, the lost-in-translation aspect to the common woman – or man – is largely ignored in place of the belief that the clothes can make the person, when the truth is just the opposite. What makes someone truly fashionable is not an awareness of what is popular, but instead the ability to recognize what works. If more people realized this we’d all be better off.

Instead, we have toes hanging out everywhere, and it’s often less than tasty. Just this morning I almost lost my coffee appetite from an asphyxiated set bellied up to the cream and sugar bar. Which leads to my other personal pet peeve, woman who wear open-toed platform sandals with their toes hanging – often ever-so slightly – over the edge of the shoes itself. I hate to be rude, but that is just straight cave-man status, while simultaneously summoning up in my mind thoughts of bizarre toe-stubbing accidents. A very un-lovely combo.

They say cleavage is a representation of a woman’s (willing and able) ass, while blush represents the post-coital fluster that arouses the senses of men. Given these academic explanations, where do exposed toes fit in? What is the obsessions with taking a perfectly normal pair of shoes and adding a view to a toe? I’ve never worn five-inch heels myself, but I imagine to pull them off the toes have to go through a certain about of pain and suffering, so are woman just trying to let them breath? Or is the true purpose to show the world your commitment to the cruel shoes by offering this window into your suffering?’

“MY TOES ARE BLUE, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?”

Whatever the case, I think it’s safe to say we all should be a bit more respectful of our toes and other’s distaste for them by recognizing when, where, and how we should be flashing them. You don’t see me sporting frat-boy slides or urban ‘flops for a reason, because unless at the beach, the world doesn’t need anymore flying of the toe flag. If you know your toes are awesome, they might be. But if you’re not sure, they probably aren’t, so cover them shits up.

  • caroline

    As a woman I am distressed at how impossible it is to buy high heels without the in-built stripper platform. The platform high heel (as pictured) flummoxes me. I’m trying to think of a good nick name for them. The Tramp Ramp?